by Sine Qua Non

Good to know I can still make you laugh.

But I’m not sure if it’s a good thing that I feel good about being able to still make you laugh. Why should it matter? Exactly that, a mirage of questions addressed to the self — why should it matter? And why should it matter that it matters? What was I referring to again? Your laughter, I think. Or the good feeling. Or the fact that it’s not a good feeling after all. Who cares if it matters? What should I care if it shouldn’t? I toss and turn the thoughts in my head. I banter with myself. The heart and the mind, if I may dare. It never ends.

This supposed unassuming stance in our exchange is excruciating. Like what a very commonly used phrase in my native tongue would indicate, certainly, now, things seem to be out of place more than ever. And yet there is an undeniable sense of joy in the displacement. Now I am able to enjoy, fully, the lack of structure and the absence of rules. The fact that labels become unnecessary rids me of expectations. Saying that I can’t put a finger on it is blurted out  of sheer joy than of frustration. The part that makes it excruciating is not anymore about the anticipation for reciprocation or even just a reply. What kills me is that I still wonder about how to place myself in our exchange. What brings me joy is the fact that the gaiety brought about by things common to us persists. It makes me believe in something real.

I am also reminded of how things actually are: the distance, the barrier, the difference, the distraction, the could-have-beens, the never-weres, i-told-you-so, why-didn’t-you, you-shouldn’t-have, we-never-will, maybe-someday, maybe-tomorrow, surely, indefinitely. It’s become beautiful. I have finally come to terms with uncertainty. Hindi ko alam kung saan lulugar. Hindi ko kailangang malaman kung saan lulugar.

Even the fact that I am writing it now here with evident lack of literary-ness –  all just random rambling with no point but raw expression –  is out of place in itself.

Undeniably delightful, too.

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