by Sine Qua Non
and i feel a terrible terrible feeling inside me
i woke up today, early because i wanted to work on certain things that i need to finish immediately, and i force myself up to go about my morning routine. the house is quiet and the familiar coolness of daybreak barely bathed by the sun yet. and i find myself leaning on the counter as my weight begins to fall with every heave of the chest. inside, i am caving in. and i begin to weep. a tremendous silent cry that shook me and brought me to the floor. the way it happens in movies you never thought would happen to you. i used to laugh at them, losing control over their bodies and giving in to break down. now i feel sad that i was not there to hold them as they crumbled on the floor.
there is a sad sad pain inside me
and i could not shake it off. i could not shoo it away. photographs they indeed speak so many things. i did not have to dig too deep to find out the enormity of the matter, it was always something so obvious and i have been blinded by an illusion. the space of the picture spoke to me and i realize then that there would never be anything for us to truly share. i will always be the bandit, the beggar, the secret that you would have to hide. the one waiting for an ounce of your time. how could i have been so foolish, women ask themselves all too often. because we love too well. the things we couldn’t resist bring the consequences that the logical right clearly draw the line on. i wanted to take you there because i wanted to share the space with you. it was a little joy of mine, a very dear dear thing. and all i will remember now is that i could not take you there and you took her there instead.
i want to hurt you. i want you to realize how much pain you are causing me. i want you to weep. i want you to regret that you did not choose me. i want you to feel the loss of not having my love, knowing in your heart that no one would ever love you as much as i do.
i want to keep on weeping for the next few days. i want to lock myself in, keep myself under a blanket, suffocate my soul and disappear.
because the truth of the matter is that i love you, i really really love you. and all of this would go away if only you would hold me.