by Sine Qua Non

at this very moment i am trembling with utmost intensity.

call it what you want: a nagging feeling, a gaping hole, a bottomless pit of emptiness,

actually after those three phrases, i know not anymore what to call it. all i feel is such a strong sense of sorrow for not being the one at your side. i want to hit myself for entertaining the question of being chosen, or actually not being chosen. it is something i should not ask, more so get depressed about.

from the very beginning i knew that you had already wrapped up your heart for somebody else to own. it was not a risk i took, loving you. it was a freefall that i could not save myself from. i stood at that edge and the gravity of your person pulled me from that cliff even if i thought i had taken root at that spot where i set myself to gaze at your being from a safe distance. it seems that the love that welled up inside me became to heavy for the ground to bear that it crumbled beneath my feet at every sigh bearing your name that escaped me. i knew i would hit solid ground and crash into a million little pieces. what i did not know was when, how. i realize now that in the intensity of the fall, parts of me had begun crumbling and have already been whisked away by the winds.

i seriously thought, precisely an entire day ago, that i had reached that surface and that i am a million pieces apart from each part of myself. i was waiting for the wind to blow me away to the sea where i would float and emerge once more, hoping that the part of me that longed for you would have been eaten away by some odd creature so that no trace of you would tug at my being and take me back to that cliff where the ground breaks at every breath.

no, i was wrong. and i regret that i spoke too soon. that i though it was the end of it. because i am still falling. i still have that nagging feeling, that tug at the gut, that bottomless emptiness that sucks in every ounce of sense of certainty of time and space. i am still in a continuous drop, a downward motion with no one to save me but the will to snap out of the fall. my back is to the earth, my eyes to the sky.

if i reach the end of that fall and find parts of me scattered on the earth, it would probably be the best way to put myself back together again and walk myself off to another cliff’s edge. only this time, i will find the wings to save me from breaking again.

but then again, i am not sure. then again, i’m still falling. then again, i will never know if you will be there to catch me. or snatch me from the wind in one strong sweep and take me off somewhere where people don’t fall and break. where certainty is as firm as the clasp of fingers intertwined.

if only you were falling with me, then i would not be so afraid

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