by Sine Qua Non

i feel as if i should keep writing and writing, one entry after another if need be, as long as one thought completes itself in one entry, until i’ve exhausted myself of all the feelings and emotions that spill from my fingertips onto the screen and the whole universe overflows with waterfalls of tears up to the tiniest pinpricks of pain, until i am empty and void as a children’s playground at 3am

truth be told, i don’t even know what i want to say anymore, there are no clear thoughts, clear stories in my head, only that it would do me good to keep typing out words like they were tears and i need to be dehydrated of them to get rid of all the fever that boils inside me

i am hiding behind the lie that i expect nothing of him, that i no longer wait for his name to pop up in my screen, asking about how i am or what i will be eating or what i’m working on this time. unfortunately, despite every other petty distraction i throw in front of me, all my thoughts still crawl back into his arms. and when i find myself in that empty embrace i begin to weep and my chest hurts again and again and it cripples me, every part of me. as if the love for him is not content with making me incapable of walking. that every part of me should be unable to move in his absence. from the sway of my arms to the flick of my fingers. it cripples even the peristalsis in hunger or the heaving of my diaphragm. i feel it strike at even the slightest trickle of blood making its way through my veins. it strikes at my already weakened heart.

and i understand,so  this is how one is able to surrender to death because of an overwhelming sense of love – that if one is unable to love freely, there would no longer be any point in living at all