by Sine Qua Non
It gets lonely after a while.
The silence. The repetitive whirr of the printer. The not knowing what to do, who to talk to, not having any company to be there when they say they will always be there. It’s a bad joke, actually.
They say, one must get used to having only the self as company. Lucky if you have a relatively expansive playlist. But sometimes listening to music can make things worse. It just reminds you of people who are not there when you hope they would be.
I don’t know if it’s because of the tired mind or if I’m just too tense about the task at hand that in truth I would really rather watch all the papers being printed out properly, hoping none will go awry and that I will meet my targeted number of printouts in time for me to catch my flight. I am also anticipating the moment of panic when I realize I cannot fit all my stuff into my luggage. Or the worry about being able to pack the right clothes or not.
Or maybe, really, I’m just tired. I do not want to think.
Yet I wish to converse.
I think, among all the things I miss most about having an ‘other’ in life is the conversation. Having that one person to turn to at any minute to speak with. One who will entertain any silly question one might have in mind. One, who you can shake awake at half past three for a cup of tea or for an episode of Friends. One, who will take your call in the middle of an important meeting, who will strain from giggling upon receiving a nasty face, who will conceal excitement in the underpants after you send an after-shower shot of yourself. One who will hold you in silence and now that that exchange is enough. (And I realize this now because The Boy From Buenos Aires just messaged me and, still, I feel alone. I just feel that everyone is so far away.)
I really think it’s the fatigue. Because, really, I’m not supposed to be this lonely.
I still have about 15 more A3 pages to print. It takes 2 minutes and a half to print one.
And, YAY, a friend just got online and now I have someone to talk to. Virtually.
It’s really not the same. But, well, at least the conversation will take my mind of feeling alone for now.
Where are the people you need when you need them the most? It’s cheeky, but it’s true.
I need a beer.