by Sine Qua Non

The thing is, i always keep telling myself to begin again. To try again. i continuously scold myself and list down regrets and kick the curb and try to step forward. again and again.

And now, at this age, I guess it becomes more acceptable. The reality that there will always be an excuse, a reason to stop and be lazy and skip what you prmised yourself to do. There will always be a precursor to the lack of motivation that I allow myself to succumb to. But then again, there is this. There will always be the choice to stand up and be better and TRY AGAIN. And it is okay. To other people’s eyes as well as to my own I may laready look like I’m failing at trying to be good at life but at least I haven’t stopped trying. No use being regretful of time past and enumerating everythign I said I would do, everything I could have done. Because i can’t really do any of those now, can I?

Let’s just try again and do something new. And help thy slef become better than the self of yesterday. If I’m complaining about a messy room today then maybe I can make it less messy tomorrow. Bit by bit. No hurries. Savor the process of becoming better. No journal to write on, well you have SO MANY NOTEBOOKS given to you by all your firneds who invest so much faith in your writing. Hide the old ones and pull out a new one. START FRESH. START ANEW.

God damn it, just START.

*goes and fixes bedside clutter and grabs a new notebook (WRITE IT DOWN SO YOU ACTUALLY DO IT, BITCH*

That took a while but at least i did it. I cleared out my old journals and put them into the drawers. I took out a clean notebook, this first one that I found, and it will be my new journal. I will cover it with bus tickets tomorrow, the way that I always do with my journals.a And then I will write my first entry.

Because i had to clear some drawer space I also figured out what to store in the new plastic containers I bought. Since I haven’t been opening any of my old books nor notebooks here sine I moved in, I will store all my books in one container and my old notebooks in another. My old photocopied reading will be diligently sorted out but if I can throw most of them away, I will. Everything that is paper I will keep in the containers except for a few books which I like to open every now and then. Plus the new ones I’ve acquired since I moved here. One container will also be dedicated to the other clutter that I cannot seem to throw away. Stuff that can be recycled for craft’s purpose. One day when I am old, I will open that container and make new things out of the old. If I have one more container left, should I be unable to fill two containers with books, I will use it to store old clothes,. That’s random. I haven’t really thought about the clothes business yet.

So that’s a start. it really is. i just have to start somewhere. I know I won;t be able to sort out all the books and notebook in the coming week since I’ll be away, but at least I knowm and I’ve written it down so I have something to refer to.

In the meantime, I have to write a new letter. And maybe another poem, if I don’t fall asleep before attempting to do so.

Good, self. Now, breathe.