Lesson No. 1

by Sine Qua Non

Now Playing: Silver Lining by Rilo Kiley

I am feeling a literal hunger. Not yet enough to urge me to get something to eat – also because I haven’t been very active these past few days and all I’ve actually done is just eat and lie down and sleep and eat again – so I’my really trying to avoid getting more food into my body. At least not yet. If anything, I’m going to use the hunger to put me to sleep.

It is delightfully refreshing to hear myself tap on the keyboard again. It took quite a while to get to this point – I knew I would bring myself here at some point, I really just did not know when or how. I would like to think the timing is just about right.

I used to always have a plan about things. Used to be able to plan what I would do with my life. Even if I had my throw away days, those day had to be labeled throw away days before I could actually throw them away first. These 6 weeks are all throw away days. Throw away . And I have to truly throw them all away to know what exactly I need to keep.

If this happened any other time in my life, I don’t think I would have the same strength, patience, and humility to face all this. I have nothing left but my sobriety, my immobility, my bleeding lip, and my hunger.

I’m not yet ready. I have absolutely no idea what I need to do because I don’t know what I’m looking for, what I want. That’s what I’m looking for. What I want.

I look to my right and see myself dimly lit. There will only be one takeaway tonight:

It is that I have to start believing that I am beautiful. I am one of a kind. And from now on, starting tonight, this truth I will accept. I will believe it.